fivedesiresandonedirection

“Right, I’ll get to what I was talking about in a minute,” sa Liam. “I’ll tell you what my suspicions are, so. But it’s going to make me sound so vain if it’s not true. I’m almost sure it is, though, but I don’t want to embarrass you by… Well, I’m going to embarrass you either way by-”

“Liam, stop babbling and just tell me.”

Liam kollade tyst ner på sina fötter innan han tyst erkände sin teori.

“Louis, I think… I think you’re gay. And I think… you like me.”

---

Loggen,

Jag lutade mig bakåt och gled ner med ryggen mot väggen igen. Jag ville bara att marken skulle svälja mig. Jag begravde mitt ansikte i händerna och gjorde mitt bästa för att inte låtsas om det sista Liam sagt.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” frågade Liam mjukt efter ett par sekunder. Han lät varken arg, upprörd eller urflippad, det lät mer som… en fråga.

Jag nickade, det var ingen mening att ljuga och jag ville ändå inte göra det.

“I know you must be embarrassed,” fortsatte Liam tyst. “I don’t really know what to say.”

Jag ville bara att han skulle fortsätta prata, om vad som helst, bara för att fylla den förödmjukande tystnad som brände mig i ansiktet. Han fortsatte efter några  minuter, med det han sa var det sista jag ville att han skulle säga

“I should let you know, though: I’m straight. I have a girlfriend. And I hate to have to say it, but I don’t see you as anything more than a friend.”

Jag vägrade titta på honom och höll huvudet begravt i händerna. Jag var inte mer än en hög människa på golvet.  

“Actually,” Liam använde sin rundare röst, “I see you as the best friend I could ask for… who I wish more than anything was back in my life.”

Jag hörde att Liam reste sig och tog några korta steg mot mig. Hans hand griper tag under min underarm och han drar lätt upp mig till stående ställning. Han skrapade bort händerna från mitt ansikte, skrattade lite och försökte fånga min blick.

“Oh Louis,” mumlade han sorgset i mitt öra. “If only it didn’t have to be this way.”

“What do you mean?” frågade jag, yttrade ord.

“If only you didn’t like me,” sa Liam och lossade greppet om mig. “I only ever want to see you as happy as you make me.”

“You do make me happy,” mumlade jag så tyst som det är mänskligt möjligt att göra.

“I feel really vain saying this but seeing me with Claire or whatever must be tough for you,” sa Liam.

Jag nickade.

“So what you said on the phone was true then?” frågade Liam.

“Half-true,” sa jag och suckade. “But it was only because I was so frustrated with liking you so much.”

“I understand.” Liam drog fram en stol mot mig så att vi skulle kunna hålla ett sittande samtal. “I want to let you know: I’m not angry or upset about what you said, really. I understand what you were feeling.”

“Then why did you make such a big deal of it just a few minutes ago?” jag kunde inte hjälpa frågan.

“I wanted you to admit it all to me. I was kind of scared about bringing this up as well, in case it turned out to be untrue and I looked like a bit of a vain twat.”

“How long have you known?” frågade jag smärtsamt.

“Since October.”

Min mun ramlade på vid gavel och förnedringen växte. “October?!”

“Yeah,” sa Liam försiktigt. “It was Zayn who convinced me.”

“Zayn?”

Åh kära Gud, hur kunde detta bli värre?

“Mmmm. He told me after he first met you that he thought you were gay. You remember when you met him first and he…”

“…laughed in my face because I said I was studying Performing Arts? Yes, quite vividly.”

“Yeah,” sa Liam obekvämt. “He thinks everybody doing that course is gay. Don’t take it as an insult; he’s producing the musical now so he can’t say much. Anyway, he sort of bet me that you were gay…”

“This is just super,” mumlade jag.

“….and then he convinced me soon after that that you liked me. He told me I should… do something to tell you that I was straight.”

“Where are you going with this?”

Liam spände sig. “We were out one night and Zayn got drunk and made up this… plan. We were going to somehow make certain that you knew I was straight. We laughed the plan off the next day but a few nights later it was the Hallowe’en party on campus and I think Zayn got a little too intoxicated again…”

“The Hallowe’en party, the Hallowe’en party,” sa jag för mig själv och försökte hitta Zayn bland alla röriga minnen. “An hour or so into the party, I had lost you and the girls and I found Zayn. He told me to go back to my…” flämtade jag när jag insåg vad som hänt.  “You mean to say that your kiss with Claire was set up?!”

Liam suckade och nöp sig gulligt i näsan. “Yes. The plan was for you to ‘accidently’ see me kissing a girl. But honestly I had no idea he was going through with it. I passed him on the way up to my room with Claire but it didn’t cross my mind that I needed to remind him the plan was off.”

Jag drog ett djupt andetag. “So that was all Zayn’s fault.”

“He’s really sorry for doing that,” Sa Liam snabbt. “Honestly, he really likes you now that he’s gotten to know you during rehearsals. And I’m also sorry you had to see that. It must not have been easy.”

Jag kan medge att jag kände en gnutta förbittring över Liam. “Why are you so ok with all this?”

“With what?” frågade Liam förvirrat.

“Me being gay and you know…” Liking you.

Liam ryckte på axlarna. “These past three weeks have made me realise that I  need you in my life. I have to say, I was a tad bit freaked out when I began to realise that you did, in fact, like me but so what? You like me. What does that matter?”

“It matters to me,” sa jag dystert, fortfarande aningen generad. “The feelings aren’t mutual.”

“Just because I’m not gay and don’t fancy you, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Because I do. You’re so easy to talk to but hard to figure out. Kooky and caring and fascinating and humble and charming.”

Jag rodnande djupare, men denna gången var det trevligt. “Liam, seriously- you saying all that isn’t going to help me get over you.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t be teasing you like that. It’s not fair. But it is true. I missed you, Louis. Zayn’s been fantastic and so has Claire but they’re not you.”

Jag hade samma tankar om Niall. Han hade varit alldeles underbar och gullig, super- precis som Anna och alla andra på mina föreläsningar. Men ingen kunde ersätta Liam.  

 “These three weeks have felt like a bad break-up.”

“Liam…”

“Sorry, sorry. Shouldn’t be tormenting you like that. It’s true, though. Seeing you perform while I was doing the sound today was just fantastic. You’re so talented, Louis. The star of the show.”

“Star of the show? Not bloody likely with Fiona and that voice of hers.”

“Ok then- the star of my show. Seriously, your performance: I was floored. Niall couldn’t help saying how good you were and I agreed with him, despite the fight. Did you know when that guy Matthew’s microphone didn’t come on in time?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, that’s because I was so laughing so hard at the line you had said.”

Jag himlade med ögonen och skrattade till.

“I’m serious!” utropade Liam. “I wish I could do what you did.”

“You could,” sa jag. “Remember when we first met and you came in with your towel and you were singing?”

Nu var det Liams tur att rodna. Och jag måste erkänna att det var sött. “Oh dear.”

“You’re embarrassed about it but you’ve got a wonderful voice.”

“Thanks,” sa Liam, fortfarande röd upp över öronen. “But I could never go up on stage and perform like you do. When you all came out for your bows, I just wanted to stand up and whoop for you.  It was only myself and Niall in this box, though, and it would’ve been weird. So instead, I gave you silent applause in my head. A secret ovation. I was fit to burst with pride.”

“Careful, Liam,” sa jag torrt. “My head is about to swell. Thank you, though; it means a lot.”

Liam log mjukt och stötte lekfullt till min arm.

“So,” sa jag försiktigt, “do you think we could possibly put all this phone call business behind us if I were to say that I’m completely sorry for what I said?”

“No,” sa Liam tyst och mitt hjärta sjönk. Han tittade upp på min snopna min och skrattade. “No, I mean I should be the one apologising. Thinking about it now, it was stupid of me to think that you could come up to me and admit your feelings. I should have said sorry when I figured it all out the next day. You’re right: three weeks is ridiculous.”

“So you’ll move back in?” frågade jag hoppfullt.

“Do you want me to?”

“Of course I want you to, you big goofball.”

 “Right then, here’s the deal: I’ll move back in if you become my partner again.”

“Partner?” frågade jag förvirrat. “You mean cooking partner?”

Liam började skratta, hejdlöst. “Oh God, I wasn’t even thinking about that! But yes, definitely. How have you coped in the kitchen without me?”

“Well, I was only down twice on the rota. Anna and Niall helped me the two times. But it wasn’t any fun without you.”

“Yeah, same. Actually, Zayn wouldn’t let me help him during his turns at all because he knew what I was like. I’m looking forward to more disasters in the kitchen already. But anyway, I was talking about being partners in Improv again.”

“But you’re paired with Claire,” sa jag överraskat.

“I know. But I think she’s as sick of working with me as I am with her. All she does is… flirt during class.”

“Which I’m sure you abhor,” sa jag sarkastiskt.

“I do! I really like Claire but God do I miss those days when the two of us made up the most random, hilarious crap imaginable.”

“It was pretty random,” log jag.

“So we’re agreed? Partners agin?”

“Nah,” sa jag. “Friends first and foremost.”

“Good,” smilade han. “And it’s not going to be awkward, with you liking me and all?”

“Completely,” Jag höll inne en suck. “I’m getting over it, though. Now I know for sure that you’re completely straight.”

“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t,” sa Liam och mina muskler drevs på helspänn. “Sometimes, I wish I could go poof and wake up gay one day because I would totally…”

“Liam don’t say it.”

“… go out with you.”

Jag tog upp mikrofonen från golvet och kastade det I hans ansikte. “You’re such a bloody torment!”

“Hey! Those things are expensive. You’re right. Sorry. I won’t say things like that again. I promise.”

“That’s all well and good,” sa jag, “but you’ll still know that I like you.”

“I thought you said you were getting over it? Right, I’ll just act like a complete pig for the next few weeks and then you won’t fancy me anymore. And I’ll find something else to distract you.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that then?”

“A boyfriend. There must be somebody else on campus that you like…”

“No!” utropade jag lite för snabbt..

“Ooooh,” kuttrade Liam. “There is! There is! Who is it? Do I know him? What does he look like? Is he in any of your classes?"

Han började bli aningen upphetsad, så jag undvek inte att slänga in en vass kommentar. “Careful Liam, I think you’re catching the gay off of me. You never know, something might’ve already poofed.”

Liam himlade med ögonen men fortsatte att driva sin kampanj. “So, who is it?”

Tack och lov började min mobil surra i fickan. Jag tog upp den och insåg att numret kom från en av studentrummets telefonautomater.

“Hello?” sa jag och ignorade Liams ögonbryn som åkte upp och ner.

“Alright Louis? Have you sorted it out yet? Or is it a disaster?”

“Niall, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Sorry.”

“You’re not going to believe this but I’m… trapped. Literally.”

“So, have you sorted it out?”

“Sorted what out exactly?”

“Your thing with Liam.”

“Wait, how did you… Did you do this?” frågade jag misstroget.

“Zayn!” utropade Niall, uppenbarligen stod Zayn bredvid honom. “I thought you told them.”

“Nah,” Zayns röst flöt in i luren. “Thought it’d be fun for them to have no idea. Have they straightened it out yet?”

“Zayn wants to know..,” började Niall innan jag avbröt honom.

“Yeah, I heard all that. Yes, we have. We’re fine. Now, would you kindly come and unlock us?”

“Alright, alright. Be there in a sec.”

“I hope you know we’re both going to kill the two of you,” sa jag innan Nialls porlande skratt tjöt i mitt öra och han la på.

“Imagine,” sa jag till Liam samtidigt som jag lät mobilen glida ner i fickan igen. “Niall and Zayn in cohorts!”

“I’m glad they were,” sa Liam tyst. Jag tänkte på vad Liam sagt. Om de inte föst ihop oss och tvingat oss skaka hand skulle jag inte fått min bästa vän tillbaka.